Words to live by.

 

Words of wisdom Don…..I know more than you.   Look into my eyes and see how wise I am. Actually, just read my lips….do as I say not as I sometimes do. 

First….when I’m lying down to have a sleep – back the heck off! This doesn’t mean back off and then pounce on me, back off and then hop over me, back off and then lie on top of me…it means back the hell off! I’m old; I have rheumatism, I’m losing my sight and you are just plain annoying.  Yes my looks are deceiving but  I’m nine X seven which makes me older than either  owner or curly-haired.  They don’t let you ping pong off of them so don’t ping pong off of me.

Lesson number 2…..don’t pee it all out at once. Why you do this I have no idea.  There are so many locations to leave a little note to remind people you’ve been around. You can take more than a minute to pee because you only leave it in one spot.  I’ve never seen anything like it.   Perhaps in the  shelter it is common place  behaviour  but here you have to mark your territory.  How else will anyone know you are in town if you don’t leave  pee mail. Today you left five scent markers on the River Trail.  I was proud because it is apparent that you are learning to  follow my lead.  Bravo bud.  Cookie for you whenever I can steal one!  Remember…the longer it takes you to get the job done the longer we are outside and on the prowl for our friends like Zak and Shiprock and, god help me, the smallest of the Little Peppers.

Lesson number 3…  For God’s sake, shut up when you are in the crate. They have always come back to let you out; they always will come back to let you out…CHILLAX as they say.  Ten minutes is a long time to whine and cry. Cut it down to ZERO Don baby….Z–E-R-O.  It is silly and undignified.  Your life has been tough and yes people have let you down but these guys won’t.  They are happy to be hosting you until you find your forever family.  Don’t drive them insane with your little (fake in my opinion) whimpers.  Whining in young and old, canine and human is unattractive so get a grip.  Just because owner has been known to whine does not make it right.  The dignity of our species is at stake so put a cork in it kiddo.

Lesson number 4…  The dog beds are MINE.  You actually shoved me off my own bed the other night.  This is unheard of.  If I had ever done that to Boris (who lived with these guys before me) he would have had me for breakfast.  The burgundy dog bed is from   when Boris was around so I’m especially attached to it.  The black sheepskin comes from Australia when David (the family member who brought me home) was living there so it also has special significance.  You can have the plastic yoga mat.  It is more than adequate for your needs. Got it?

Lesson number 5… My food is my food.  Your food can be my food if I want it.  Deal with it.

Lesson number 6… Quit farting.

Lesson number 7….Furniture is off limits.  Have you seen your claws? They are ginormous!  Think of the damage you could do. Plus beds are my domain….you’d have to live here a long time until you got to sleep on a bed because curly haired barely fits in the bed when he’s home….owner and I take up a lot of room.  You are definitely not in this picture.

Lesson number 8…. Kitchen counters (and garbage pails)  also off limits. I’ve seen your head poking up over the counter top…..Benj caught you too. No go!  I ONCE (and I dream of it still) did lick the Thanksgiving Turkey as it sat on the counter.   Instantaneous banishment to jail (read crate).  Just so you know….they think we harbour germs.  Hmmmph….I think they harbour germs or why else would they bathe every day which leads me to rule number 9!

Rule number 9… Stay away from that room with the warm floor down the main  hall.  It has the glass torture box.  You do not want to go in there. Sure, sniff it out if you have to but you’ll be sorry.  I like  you so I’m  handing out this warning.  Oops, too late.  Rub-a-dub-dub as they say.

 

Rule number 10….whatever owner says goes.   If you are looking for consistency…. think again.  She tries but admits some  days she’s on and some days she’s off.  It could be a freezing cold day and you’ll go out without a coat. Then on a relatively mild day she’ll pop you into my jacket.  Curly-haired just shakes his head in confusion.  After 22 years he has given up trying to figure her out.  At any rate be prepared to be completely baffled by her thought process.

You may be male, you may feel virile, you may think you are hot stuff… excuse me while I snicker….but when she decides you have to wear the pink coat you WILL wear the pink coat.  Hey…wait a minute…quit eating my coat.  Gotta run rescue my winter jacket.  See ya later.

  (I just have to ask, which part of Rule No. 4 did you not understand?)